I want to tell you a story. It’s an important one because it highlights a big shift in mentality for me. I was looking to get back into the dating game and the internet appealed to me as the best tool to get the job done. Of the many options I decided on OkCupid. I liked the interface, I liked the question system, and I think it had a good selection of girls that I think could match with me nicely without being too serious. I came across a girl that had a great picture and I was instantly attracted. I read through her profile and noticed we had several things in common. I sent her a message and after she responded we were able to have a great chat and got to know each other better. I asked her out on a date and she accepted. I took her out and we had a great time, she even mentioned it was one of the best first dates she had every been on.
I asked her out on a second date and she accepted. We went to dinner and for a walk. We reach her car, share a kiss, and that’s when she hits me with what you don’t want to hear. “You are such a great guy, and I really don’t want to lead you on and hurt you. I have just broken up from a long-term relationship. I thought I was ready to date again but it turns out I was wrong. I’m so sorry”. If I am being honest with you in the moment I wanted to kick something. I couldn’t believe I was striking out again, especially with a girl I was feeling such great chemistry with. She continued, “we can be friends if you want”. Normally this is a case where I would have said “Yea ok, let’s do that” and then walked away with my tail between my legs. This one time though, I don’t know why I just decided to do something different. Maybe it was the frustration of failure. Maybe it was my subconscious just deciding to take a stand. I don’t know. I simply responded with “No I’m sorry. I can’t be friends with a girl I am attracted to. If we were having sex that would be one thing. Other than that, I just can’t do it.” To which her response was “Oh, well we could do that.”
That right there is not only the story of my first ever friends with benefits, it’s a story of understanding how important it is to feel no guilt or shame when asking for what you want. I should make very clear that I am not referring to illegal or immoral requests. I am referring to requests in one’s genuine and ethical self-interest. I am talking about a situation where you are allowed to ask for anything you want and the person you are asking is allowed to say no. When you get a no, you respect it. The saying “don’t take no for an answer” is taken too literally in my opinion. There is something to be said about persistence in the pursuit of one’s self-improvement. The problem arises is when this persistence is done without any sort of tact or change from the person who is pushing. Don’t forget the saying, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.” The same thing applies here. If you get a no, and you aren’t satisfied fine. No one said you had to be. What I am saying is that if you want any chance of turning that no into a yes you have got to change something on your end. Coming back again and again with the same exact thing is just going to make you look annoying and desperate, and when that happens you can pretty much kiss whatever you are pursuing goodbye.
It’s ok to be 100% honest with yourself about the people you are attracted to. This touches back a little bit to the earlier chapter about honesty. If you want to be able to make moves, you have to be honest with yourself first. Countless times I have seen questions on internet forums asking “what can I do to show this girl I am interested?”. Oh for fucks sake, you walk up and you tell her. I understand that in all reality it’s never that simple, I know, I get it. What I mean is that when the opportunity presents itself, you take the shot and make the move. If she makes you out to be a bad person because you are interested and you expressed this interest, the problem is with her. It’s not with you. Now this of course is assuming you weren’t a creep about it, but we’ll get to that later.
That’s really the crux of the matter. As humans, we are too afraid to express the interest we have with someone we like because we feel guilt, shame, and fear over it. Instead of being upfront, we try a subtler approach. We try to be friends to feel things out. Now don’t misunderstand me, I am not 100% against this kind of thing. I think the idea of starting out friendly to get the know the person is not a bad way at all to see if your attraction was merely a crush or if this person is indeed the right one for you and is a good match. The problem is when there is no fucking end date to this plan. If you want to be friends, fine. Take the time to get to know the person. At some point, you have to make a move. You have to make a decision. Say you’re interested. Ask the other person if they have felt any interest. Put out the idea of a date. Anything! I don’t care. Just do something. Anything is better than remaining in a permanent holding pattern with this person hoping to God that at some point he or she just wakes up and realizes you were there all along. They know you’re there. They know. If nothing has happened after some time, you either aren’t interesting enough, or the person is waiting for someone else to show some initiative and effort. Which nicely brings us to our next topic.