The friendzone (or FZ) has existed for as long as I can remember. It’s surprisingly controversial, as most (and you may critique me for generalizing here) in the modern feminist movement believe the term is derogatory in so far that it makes it seem that the girl is doing something negative to a guy. I will agree with that critique on one specific plank. If you indeed are looking to apply friendzone as a negative action that has been done to you, that is an improper way of thinking. Just like we discussed back in Chapter 2, you are owed nothing. She owes you nothing. If she declines your advances she has every right to do that, and if you want to complain about it that’s on you. What I don’t have a problem with is the term itself. If there is another term that you want to suggest or apply I am all ears. As of right now the term “friendzone” is the best way to describe what the situation actually is, which is simply one person in a platonic relationship that is upset with that status and wants more. If the relationship between the two people is equitable then it’s a friendship. No qualifier necessary. Friendzone allows us to highlight the difference between a true friendship and one that is tainted.
The FZ at its core is based in the age-old debate as to whether or not girls and guys can just be friends. There was a popular YouTube video that was put out some time ago where a guy asked a variety of girls and guys on his college campus if men and women could be just friends. Universally the girls all said yes and the guys all said no (or at least all the guys and girls in the video). While this may be a generalization, it’s not unexpected. Girls more than likely have a belief that they can separate their romantic emotions from their platonic ones. Whereas men have a harder time suppressing their primal sexual instinct when it comes to women they are attracted to. I tend to agree with both of these rules of thumbs for the sake of simplicity. It is fair to mention that the whole issue is obviously much more complex than just that. I have my own personal theory that I will share with you now that I think helps make it a bit fairer all around.
The issue is not that exclusively men and women can’t have a platonic friendship. The issue is that a platonic friendship is very difficult to have when one person involved has a sexual or romantic attraction to the other. I prefer this explanation because it works regardless of gender or status. Attraction is a human emotion. It happens. We may not officially know all the reasons why it does, we just simply feel it. We know it when we meet someone if we feel attraction. We fantasize about what sex with that person might be like. What a life with that person might be like. There is nothing wrong with these thoughts. They are completely natural. The problem and issue comes in when you try to have a relationship that is incompatible with those feelings you have. That is the essence of the FZ. For the rest of this chapter I will speak on the perspective of the man/woman relationship because it appears as the most common trope for this issue. I just wanted to touch on my thoughts to reinforce the fact that this can happen to any two people.
If you look at the friendships between men and women that have worked you will notice several key things. First you will notice a lot of individuality. Both the man and the woman have their own lives. Neither is dependent on the company or the approval of the other. They are in each other’s company because they genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Second, there is equity in the relationship. Friends do things for each other because they are friends. I have a female friend who I give rides to because I don’t drink and she likes to. She gets a free ride. Now if it stopped there, you could argue there is a little issue. Here’s the difference. As a thank you, she bakes me desserts (and they are really fucking good btw). That’s equity. We do things for each other because it’s a genuine friendship. The moment you find yourself sacrificing for the other person and feeling you are getting nothing in return, you are in a one-sided friendship. You shouldn’t condone such a thing from anyone, period. If it was a guy, you’d write him off as an ass or a bully and end the connection. For that girl you like on the other hand, you’ll go to the ends of the earth. Why? Are you hoping that it’s like a video game where if you do enough deeds you earn enough credits to fuck her? Are you thinking if you don’t do everything she says you will lose any shot? If so I have bad news for you, you’ve already lost it.
Let me put it to you this way. Let’s say there is a really pretty girl, and she offers you sex with no strings attached. You don’t have to take her out on dates or anything like that. When you want to have sex, she’ll hook up with you and even cook you breakfast every now and then. Would you accept? If you are like most guys you probably would. Now imagine one day you find out she is very upset with you because you never made the offer to commit to her long term and make her your girlfriend. How would you react to this? You would probably be a little taken aback. Why would you offer her any commitment? She’s already having sex with you without you needing to do anything. If you were really interested in her beyond the physical you more than likely would have changed that status before there was ever an issue. So why would you change what you already have? It’s the same mentality the other way around. You are already giving her the attention she craves. You are already doing her favors. She’s getting that from you without having to give anything in return. So why would she change anything?
The part that you are going to hate the most about what I am telling you right now is this part right here. Guess who’s fault it is. If you said the girl, you’re wrong. It’s yours. It’s your fault. If you don’t put any value on yourself, then there is no reason for anyone else to put value on you either. In order to get the respect of your peers you must start with respecting yourself first. No one who has self-respect and self-esteem lets themselves be taken advantage of. I remember reading an article where girls were getting guys on tinder to order them food just because they wanted a meal. These guys were actually dumb enough to think these girls were interested in them and would see them in a sexually attractive way if they ordered the girls a pizza. What the fuck!? Granted it’s not always that obvious and I am willing to give a little leeway that sometimes it can be hard to see. Especially if the favors you do are small and would have been on your way anyway. If that’s the case it’s not as severe because it’s not enough to cause a feeling of resentment in your mind. Once you start feeling resentment or frustration, you have now crossed into the zone you don’t want to be in. So many times I hear about guys saying that if they just “worked hard enough” they could get “out of the friendzone”. It doesn’t work like that. It’s not a game with points. You don’t level up. If you are there, you were put there for a reason. You more than likely are going to stay there.
Here’s the good news. There is one alternative to getting “out of the FZ” if you will. It’s just not in the way you think. You simply don’t be friends with the person you are attracted to. I lived by that rule for a number of years, and it works. This is a free country. You don’t have to be friends with anyone you don’t want to. You don’t have to be friends with everyone. If you are going to be friends, then be a genuine friend. Hang out with that person because you enjoy the company. Hang out because it’s more fun that being alone. Hang out because you have a shared mutual interest. Hang out because you both want to work on something together that you couldn’t do by yourself. Any reason is fine, so long as it’s genuine. If every time you are about to hang out with a girl you like you are thinking “maybe tonight is the night I can make my move”, you are already in a bad spot. Don’t be that guy. Be better than that guy. Be the best version of you. I know you can do it and there is no excuse for you not to.